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DERBYSHIRE IN CHAOS
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Post DERBYSHIRE IN CHAOS 
MY ROVING REPORTER,TELLS ME THAT THERE ARE ALLEGATIONS,THAT THE CHIEF CONSTABLE DERBYSHIRE(C.C.D.)IS VACANT Exclamation IT SEEMS HE'S BEEN MADE A RESPECT TZAR FOR ANTI YOB CRACKDOWN,THE NEW TITLE APPARENTLY IS 'MAIN AREA DIRECTOR MOSTLY AFGHANISTAN ORIENTATED' OR AS HE PREFERS' MAD -MAO'.WE ALL IN THE FREE PRESS,HAVE SCOOPED THE MORPHING OF CEE,CEE,DEE. INTO'MAD -MAO'.GIVEN HIS FANTASTIC P.C. CREDENTIALS,THE POSTITION CAME FROM THE HIGHEST AUTHORITY,YIP FURSTLADEE GIMME GIMME FREEBIES Exclamation HE IS AS WE SPEAK IN TRAINING,THIS MEANS HE'S GROWING A BEARD,FITTED FOR A UNIFORM,THREE POTATOE SACKS,AND IDI AMIN'S SURPLUS FIELD MARSHALL'S BATON,HIS GLASSES HAVE GONE TO A UPMARKET OPTICIAN,TO HAVE A ROSE TINT ADDED,AND BLINKERS,THIS IS TO RESTRICT LATERAL VISION.HIS BRIEF IS TO ARREST THE TALIBAN,AND SEND THEM ON DIVERSITY TRAINING,LOITERING WITH INTENT WILL NOT BE TOLERATED,SPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE A R.P.G. UP YOUR BURGER.THERE IS A RENEGADE MILITIA,'R.M.' OUT THERE ,THESE DUDES HAVE BEEN SEEN FLYING THEIR CHOPPERS ABOVE 30 M.P.H. WITH JOYRIDERS HANGING OFF THE SIDE Exclamation HEALTH AND SAFETY DEPARTMENT TO REPORT AS YET.THE INTENTION IS TO HAVE HELIUM(MORE EXPENSIVE BUT NON EXPLOSIVE)BALLONS WITH SPEED CAMERA'S ON ,ON CONVICTION THE CHOPPER WILL BE IMPOUNDED AND RETURNED TO STORE,THEY ARE REALLY GUNGHO THEM CHOPPER PILOTS ,COS MOST OF THE CHOPPERS ARE IN STORE AND GROUNDED,ANOTHER SUCCESS STORY Exclamation WHICH CIVIL SERVANTS TRIED TO SUPPRESS.REDASBO -JOK WAS ASKED TO JOIN AS A POLITICAL COMMISSAR,BUT EVER SINCE HE DECIDED TO SPLIT,HE's CONSTANTLY ARGUING WITH HIMSELF TO FIND AN' ESCAPE GOAT', BIFFO STEPPED FORWARD AS HE HASN'T A JOB,BUT HE'S ON DEFAULTERS,APPARENTLY HE ENTERED THE TT,WITHOUT A MOTORBIKE OR HIS WIFE'S PERMISSION,SINCE THEN HE HAS LOST HIS BRACES AND TROUSER BELT,AND HAS TO MANUALLY SUPPORT HIS TROLLEYS,THIS REASONING IS TWO FOLD,IT PROTECTS WOMEN AND THE EGG THROWING PUBLIC EVERYWHERE.I'LL CLOSE THIS REPORT NOW,BUT I'M SURE OUR READERS WILL JOIN WITH ME IN SAYING,"WE ARE SORRY TO HEAR CEE,CEE,DEE.IS VACANT,BUT WISH MAD-MAO,ALL THE SUCCES IN BRINGING TO HEEL THE R.M.s ,WHERE THE M.O.D. HAS FAILED Embarassed



Last edited by ro5=6372 on Tue Jan 23, 2007 8:14 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Post Derbyshire in chaos 
It seems that Mr RO5 has set a a rival newspaper to The Brandon Free Press.
He'll be asking for subscriptions next. All I can say, is that when you shake hands with him, check your wallet and watch.

Cheers Pete, love your work. Sorry my letter of praise and adoration to you was in crayon, but they won't let us have anything sharp in here.

Yours very watchful

Arthur

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Post Re: Derbyshire in chaos 
[quote="Arthur R-S"]It seems that Mr RO5 has set a a rival newspaper to The Brandon Free Press.
He'll be asking for subscriptions next. All I can say, is that when you shake hands with him, check your wallet and watch.

Cheers Pete, [b]love your work[/b]. Sorry my letter of praise and adoration to you was in crayon, but they won't let us have anything sharp in here.

Yours very watchful

Arthur[/quote] RIVAL,RIVAL,NO SUCH THING Exclamation ,I THOUGHT WE WUZ ALL IN THE SAME BOAT,INCIDENTLY,WHEN CAN I STEER Question I GOT TO GET TO BRANSCOMBE BEACH ASAP.

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Apparently a friend of mine was treating someone for kleptomania.
He had been in therapy for about twelve weeks when he asked if he was cured.
My colleague replied that another couple of weeks ought to do it, but if it didn't, could the gentleman pick him up a 42 inch plasma screen.

Oh well, back to the drawing board, and yes Pete, we are all in the same boat.

Yours suffering from Mal de Mare

Arthur

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Post How was your day in Glasgow RO5? 
Our steam radio up here in snowy Aviemore informs me that,"all the big nobs in the Navy" were at the launch of the type 45 destroyer we north of the border knocked together having read so much about your lack of naval kit down south. Anyway, no thanks needed, just be very careful with it. We in Scotland well remember our last King, Idi Amin VC, having to issue a most upsetting bulletin once when he was away running his interests in Africa, it read:..."De Ugandan Navy am sadly in dry-dock dis mornin' due to it havin' a kin' big hole in de bottom."

Hope you were well looked after on Clydeside......MB.


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Mike Barton
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Post How was your day in Glasgow RO5? 
Our steam radio up here in snowy Aviemore informs me that,"all the big nobs in the Navy" were at the launch of the type 45 destroyer we north of the border knocked together having read so much about your lack of naval kit down south. Anyway, no thanks needed, just be very careful with it. We in Scotland well remember our last King, Idi Amin VC, having to issue a most upsetting bulletin once when he was away running his interests in Africa, it read:..."De Ugandan Navy am sadly in dry-dock dis mornin' due to it havin' a kin' big hole in de bottom."

Hope you were well looked after on Clydeside......MB.


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Can I say Mike, that it was a bad move building a new destroyer and giving it to the Royal Navy. You know full well that they have a penchant for breaking them, ie running aground, into things etc. Remember HMS Jupiter, hitting London Bridge?

When I was on patrol on the Manxman, HMS Maryton, a ton class sweeper, in company with us, ran aground twice on the same day.

This spawned the following limmerick, author unknown.

Mary Mary, quite contrary,
How did your sweeping go,
With loop in shreds, displacer stone dead,
And coral reefs, two in a row.

I did several stints on the helm, and was amazed that I never hit anything. The coxswain, on the other hand, was absolutely stunned. Mind you we were in the middle of the south China sea.

Yours Aye

Arthur

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Post Worried. MB 
Arthur
Ominous silence on this slot from Ro5 though I know he's back from Clydeside...cos in a higher slot he's just got a double entry too. Do put your shrink hat on and convince me its not catching.

Talking of sailing on the oggin I had a funny experience in the Indian Ocean. I was homeward bound on the troopship Nevassa and a bunch of us were invited to the bridge between showings of Gunfight At The OK Corral. The experience was not dissimilar until a ship bobbed up on the horrizon and started flashing. "Ffffor goodness sake," said the bloke dealing with flashes, "its the fffflippin Royal Yacht!"
We guests on the bridge were told to ffff..get lost and line up with the other scum prized away from the Gunfight entertainment...and line up to cheer at the rail. Result was an alarming list to the right hand side as we looked toward the sharp end which was pointing in the direction of Africa. I remember the R Yacht being very shiny but there was no sign of the queen. It later filtered down from one of the sparkies that it was her husband the DofE aboard with some mates going for a jolly in Aussie. MB.


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Mike Barton
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Post Worried. MB 
Hello again Mike,

I understand that RO5 has taken up the study of accountancy. Apparently, there is a system known as double entry bookkeeping. It may have something to do with that. On the other hand, his mind may be going and doesn't realise that he is repeating itself.

Speaking of the Royal Yacht, I was on the submarine Alcide when we passed that illustrious vessel. The skipper kicked me of the fin, because I wasn't wearing a hat at the time. So I missed seeing her close up.

Yours Aye

Arthur

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WELLL ER Exclamation DON'T THINK I MISSED YOUR POST'S LADS,LETS KEEP OUR FINGERS CROSSED THATS THE LAST TIME HMS DAUNTLESS SLIPS BACKWARDS OFF A ROAD. Exclamation ON A MORE SOMBRE,NOTE,AS OUR LOCAL LEGION BUGLER, THIS AFTERNOON TOGETHER WITH A LEGION STANDARD BEARER,WE DID THE FINAL HONOURS FOR AN ELDERLY LADY ,WHO HAD SERVED HER COUNTRY.UNION FLAG ON HER COFFIN,HAT AND GONG'S,BLOODY AWFUL SEEING THE FAMILY ABSOLUTELY GUTTED,AND SEVERAL HUNDRED PEOPLE EYEBALLIN' YOU PLAYING OVER A FLAG DRAPED COFFIN,THE WHOLE FAMILY SAID THANK YOU TO ME,MY REPLY IS TO STATE THAT IT IS BOTH A PRIVILEDGE AND HONOUR TO BE ASKED.SOMETHING THAT PEOPLE IN SOME QUARTERS KNOW NOTHING AND CARELESS ABOUT.LOVE THE MARY,MARY POEM ARTHUR Exclamation

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You played the last post for all of us Pete, as our only representative there. We still serve, albeit low key, but very high profile.

The poem wasn't mine. I think it was a Chief ERA, but I am not sure. Any of our members out there have any idea?

This will make you laugh. The navigating officer got the blame for the groundings, and guess what. The charts didn't show the reefs. Hydrographic department take note.
My thoughts are, who was manning the echo sounder.

Yours Aye

Arthur

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Post MB to ro5 
Pete.

Its been a bad techie day for you and me. I was the first to get a double entry and when I saw you had one too I thought I,d passed on some dreaded internet virus. Worse still happened to me when I wrote a long entry about your new electric destroyer and further suggestions as to how else we in the far north can help with the lack of proper ships.....and though I was logged on properly,etc, when I pessed to tit to ENTER sod all happened. Can't do it all again since I've run out of puff and need refuelling.

Anyway, great to hear that you've still got the puff to dignify the passing of a special breed. I still have an aunty, aged 90, who helped to man an anti-aircraft gun when she was in the ATS.
In the end I sent off for the veterans' badge that I was so stupid as to call, "a useless bit of kit,"
and for which you quite rightly sent me a well deserved rocket. At the time I was,"a miserable bastard," more miserable than I would like you to know...but nuff said about that. I took the Vet badge down to England at Christmas and when I visited my aunty I pinned it on her. She is in a care home now and even has a job to remember who she is. When I left in early Jan. the nurses told me that the badge on her jumper caused people to ask her questions and that the dear old girl will talk endlessly about what she did in the war. All power to your toot....MB


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Mike Barton
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Post MB to ro5 
Pete.

Its been a bad techie day for you and me. I was the first to get a double entry and when I saw you had one too I thought I,d passed on some dreaded internet virus. Worse still happened to me when I wrote a long entry about your new electric destroyer and further suggestions as to how else we in the far north can help with the lack of proper ships.....and though I was logged on properly,etc, when I pessed to tit to ENTER sod all happened. Can't do it all again since I've run out of puff and need refuelling.

Anyway, great to hear that you've still got the puff to dignify the passing of a special breed. I still have an aunty, aged 90, who helped to man an anti-aircraft gun when she was in the ATS.
In the end I sent off for the veterans' badge that I was so stupid as to call, "a useless bit of kit,"
and for which you quite rightly sent me a well deserved rocket. At the time I was,"a miserable bastard," more miserable than I would like you to know...but nuff said about that. I took the Vet badge down to England at Christmas and when I visited my aunty I pinned it on her. She is in a care home now and even has a job to remember who she is. When I left in early Jan. the nurses told me that the badge on her jumper caused people to ask her questions and that the dear old girl will talk endlessly about what she did in the war. All power to your toot....MB


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Mike Barton
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Post Ending a really bad techie day. 
AND STILL IT GOES ON. How about you, Pete? DO NOT REPLY TIL TOMORROW. I'm jinxed.


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Mike Barton
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Post Double Trouble 
Ok Mike,

I think that I have located the problem. When you have your wee dram, socially of course, you have a double. Then you keystroke to submit. Unfortunately the computer still thinks you are on doubles and complies accordingly.
Hope that clears up the problem. If it doesn't, don't ask me...I know sod all about computers.

Yours ever helpful.

Arthur

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