Image of the PJM Medal
Banner Text = Fight For the Right to Wear the Pingat Jasa Malaysia Medal
Reply to topic Page 1 of 2
Goto page 1, 2  Next
Humour in Uniform
Author Message
Reply with quote
Post Humour in Uniform 
The following was emailed to me by another Association member...but it's just too good to keep it to myself.
========================================================

Army Official Voice Mail

(allegedly emanating from a Royal Navy owned computer, somewhere in the
MOD)

"Thank you for calling the British Army. I'm sorry, but all of our units
Are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged. Please leave a message
With your country, name of organisation, the region, the specific crisis
And a number at which we can call you. As soon as we have sorted out the
Balkans, Iraq, Northern Ireland, marching up and down bits of tarmac in
London and compulsory Equal Opportunities training, we will return your
Call.

Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please
Listen to the following numbers:

If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press 1 for the Royal
Marines.

If your concern is distant, with tropical climate and good hotels and
Can be solved by one or two low risk bombing runs, please press '#' for
The Royal Air Force. Please note that this service is not available
After 1630 hours or at weekends.

If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a grey
Funnel, some bunting, flags, a damn good cocktail party and a first
Class marching band, please write, well in advance, to The First Sea
Lord, The Ministry of Defence, Whitehall, London SW1.

If your enquiry is not urgent, please press 2 for the UN Rapid Reaction
Corps.

If you are in real, hot trouble please press 3 and your call will be
Routed to Sandline International.

If you are interested in joining the Army and wish to be shouted at,
Paid little, have premature arthritis in both knees, put your wife and
Family in a condemned hut miles from civilisation and are prepared to
Work your b*ll*x off daily, risking life and limb in all weathers and
Terrain, both day and night, whilst watching the treasury erode your
Original terms and conditions of service, then please stay on the line.
Your call will shortly be connected to a bitter passed-over Recruiting
Sergeant in a grotty shop behind the railway station. Have a pleasant
Day and thank you again for trying to contact the British Army."


_________________
...................'Jock'
Paroi...Rasah...Batu Signals Troop.
View user's profile Send private message
Reply with quote
Post  
A cracker Jock. Sadly though, has more than a ring of truth.

What have this lot of polititians done?

John


_________________
Pingat Kami - Hak Kami
651 Signal Troop,
Semengo Camp,
Kuching.
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Reply with quote
Post  
Here's another....regrettably, it doesn't apply to many of us I guess...
=============================================

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."

"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

"What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."


_________________
...................'Jock'
Paroi...Rasah...Batu Signals Troop.
View user's profile Send private message
Reply with quote
Post  
You have to admit it, the Royal Navy has always had the best jokes. Mind you, some of the conditions that we had to put up with, were certainly of that ilk, as Pete will confirm.

Yours Aye

Arthur

View user's profile Send private message
Reply with quote
Post  
[quote="Arthur R-S"]You have to admit it, the Royal Navy has always had the best jokes. Mind you, some of the conditions that we had to put up with, were certainly of that ilk, as Pete will confirm.

Yours Aye

Arthur[/quote]WELL FOR SURE,ITS A LONG TIME AGO,BUT THERE WAS AN ARTICLE IN A PAPER ,YONK'S AGO ABOUT THE LACK OF SPACE,MADE SOME COMPARISON,THAT THE RSPCA WOULD BE UP IN ARMS IF THE SAME NUMBER OF PIGS WHERE IN MOST SHIPS MESS DECKS.PERSONALLY I FOUND THE LIKES OF HMS VENUS VIRAGO & URCHIN DISPLACEMENT ABOUT 2000 TONS,TWO BOILER ROOMS,ENGINE ROOM ,& GEAR ROOM IE HALF SHIPS LENGTH, THEN GUNS ,A/S MORTARS,OH AND 300+ MATELOTS ,MADE THE MOST AMAZING AND POWERFUL WASHING MACHINE,I USE TO THROW MY MICK ( HAMMOCK),OVER THE ARSE END(STERN),TO DHOBY IT.THE BEST SETTING WAS AT 34 KNOTS,JUST ASTERN OF TWO PROPELLORS ABOUT 12' DIAMETER,KNOCKIN' OUT 40,000 SHP, 1/2HR OF THIS MADE IT LOVELY AND SUPPLE AND WHITE,,BUT AS YOU CAN IMAGINE THE FUEL BILL WAS HORRENDOUS,BUT OUR FINANCIAL BACKER H.M.G & CO,DIDN'T SEEM TO MIND,THAT LEATHER TURNED GREEN,GOLD BADGES THAT CHANGED TO VERDIGRIS,AND THE SEA WATER THAT USE TO SLOP AROUND,FROM ALL THE LEAKS,AND FINDING ALL THE HARD TO REACH PLACES WAS THE COLOUR OF GRAVY BROWNING,LINES OF PADLOCKED LANCHESTER SMG'S WITH FAG ENDS IN THE BARREL,AND A PARROT SAT ON A PERCH,KEEPING WARM WITH A HOT UPDRAUGHT FROM ENGINE ROOM,AND SWEARING AT YOU,IS IT STILL THE SAME,OR HAS THE PARROT BEEN SWAPPED FOR A POLITICAL COMMISSAR Question HAPPY DAYS, ONE COMPANY OF INDIVIDUALS,READY TO FIGHT ANYTHING,SPECIALLY OTHER SHIPS IN SQUADRON.IS THAT SOMETHING LIKE IT WAS ARTHUR Question

View user's profile Send private message
Reply with quote
Post  
That sums it up perfectly.

Yours Aye

Arthur

View user's profile Send private message
Reply with quote
Post  
Is this what happened to Edge? I'll leave you to guess which number it was.



This should appeal to serious students and sceptics of ancient and
modern management theory.



The Dead Horse Theory

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead
horse, the best strategy is to dismount."

However, in Federal governments, education departments & boards, and
in the Municipal/local governments , more advanced strategies are
often employed in such situations, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Visiting other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead
horse's performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve
the dead horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is
less costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore contributes
substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some
other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And of course . . .

13. Promoting the dead horse to a real Management position.


_________________
Merdeka, Merdeka, Merdeka,
from the HD Committee and its decision.
View user's profile Send private message
Reply with quote
Post  
[quote="John Feltham"]Is this what happened to Edge? I'll leave you to guess which number it was.



This should appeal to serious students and sceptics of ancient and
modern management theory.



The Dead Horse Theory

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead
horse, the best strategy is to dismount."
.

XXXCELLENT,THIS HORSE,DID IT HAVE A NAME Question I LIKE THE MECHANIC'S THEORY,SIR; I COULDN'T FIX THE BRAKES Exclamation SO Idea I MADE THE HORN LOUDER Shocked

View user's profile Send private message
Reply with quote
Post  
For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.


_________________
...................'Jock'
Paroi...Rasah...Batu Signals Troop.
View user's profile Send private message
Reply with quote
Post  
One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so that no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.


_________________
...................'Jock'
Paroi...Rasah...Batu Signals Troop.
View user's profile Send private message
Reply with quote
Post  
[quote="'Jock' Fenton"]One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so that no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.[/quote]
SO TRUE!

View user's profile Send private message
Reply with quote
Post Just joking.... 
This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. (or so the story goes!!)

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.


_________________
...................'Jock'
Paroi...Rasah...Batu Signals Troop.
View user's profile Send private message
Reply with quote
Post Artillery Officers Mess 
Captain------Windy today sir, isn't it ?
Major--------What? No, it's thursday.
Captain------Yes, so am I, I'll ring for some tea sir.

View user's profile Send private message
Reply with quote
Post  
Radio message from front line.................Send reinforcements, we're going to advance.
Message received back at H.Q.................Send three and fourpence, we're going to a dance.

View user's profile Send private message
Reply with quote
Post Parade ground 
2nd Lieutenant..................Are the men mustered, Sergeant Major.
Sergeant Major.................Mustard sir,? They're F--------g s--t hot, sir.

View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:
Reply to topic Page 1 of 2
Goto page 1, 2  Next
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum